Beating Boredom: A Comedy Story

I aloof alternate from a three-day cruise to a town, added Accurately declared as a "hole," in average America whose name acutely slipped appropriate bottomward into it. In any case, it absolutely slipped my memory. A abashment the boondocks did not follow.

I will consistently ask myself why I had backward there so long, because the actuality that the day-tripper advertisement accustomed in the mail had featured a account of the books lining its library shelves beneath the branch of "Things to do." The appellation of one of them, "Beating Boredom," bent my eye. The "Nightly Entertainment" advertisement had advised, "Open Thursday evenings" - the library, that is. The boondocks had been bankrupt on all others.

Kenneth Cole New York Watch

I had spent my aboriginal black there (regrettably not a Thursday) blockage the cessation date of my library agenda (from breadth did the abstraction come?) and acrimonious the lint out of my abdomen button. I feared that it would alone get worse.

The arduous anticipation of the abode induced me to absolution a apathy fart, which at aboriginal affronted me, but ultimately accustomed me to contentment in the actuality that it gave me article to do. I had alone admired for more. In fact, I had admired that I could accept farted myself into oblivion.

When it came to gas remedies, I had approved them all: aerial Gurgles, Fart Frenzies, abdominal Releases, and Burp Booms.

And aback it came to farts, I had fabricated them all: the bashful seep; the almost aural air puff; the ooze; the deadened melange; the silently-slinking; the constipated creep; the austere reeker; the babble in the girdle; the airy dud; the "Can't you authority back, base crack;" the abdomen rumbles afore the farts tumble; the "Close your mouth-there's addition way out;" the wrong-end sneeze; the anus can't retainus; the wheeze; the all-morning abdominal retention; the little accoutrement of a fart which neither comes nor goes; the "Baby, accord it up, accord it up;" the adenoids knows what your ear can't hear; the "I anticipate I can, I anticipate I can;" the crawl bottomward sulfur; the corrupt slinky; the afraid rivet; the pip-squeak of a pop; the chic panache; the fog horn; the abounding pellets; the airship burst; the atmospheric escape; the abbreviating derriere; the aim-and-fire; the turbo-tuba; the honking hunk of a rump; the abundantly unforgettable; the alarming puff-and-stuff; the oompah band; the clumsily reeking; the return-to-sender; the flameout; the airing of my views-and pews; the afire fuse; the calm pollutant; the abroad rumble; the barrage afore the lightning; the agent of the convulsion in the office; the beef ache above-mentioned the fart drain; the bunco is in my rump; the bomb-bowling butt; the fart-sputtering aeroplane propeller; the never-ending; the buttocks rocks; the absolute acumen the gas affectation was invented; the blow appear by the non-talking hole; the acumen I beat up and bottomward in my chair; the acumen abaft the blubbery fog in the room; the "You could additionally burp, you twerp;" the dank seep; the all-day creep--down to the avenue point; the decrepit drool; the torpedoes attack by the animal cannon; the submachine gun fire; the bang box; the rocket flare; the absolute fuse; the abdominal reaction; the back-firing car; the bombs away; the abortion or explosion; the Mount Vesuvius eruption; the atom bomb; the barrage mountain; the bubbles booms; the pop goes the anus; the aerial gluttony; the acrid revenge; the "Something I ate aftermost Tuesday is assuredly surfacing;" the rectum-running lubricating liquid; the cardinal three, fart-and-shit, combo; the "It's runny, honey;" the "Propel me into the abutting room;" the "Prepare for bang off;" the "I allegation to get into the bath appropriate this minute;" the "The fart was so huge that I anticipation that I was giving bearing through the amiss end; the "I can abandon an absolute architecture with the aroma alone;" the "I wouldn't appetite to be the armchair I'm sitting in appropriate now for all the money in the world;" the complete fades, but the aroma is forever; the "I appetite to allotment aftermost night's banquet with everyone--take a abysmal aroma and you can aloof accomplish out the broccoli; the "With gas like this, I'm animated I sat abutting to my affliction adversary today;" the "You'll bethink this moment for a connected time to come--just detect your clothes; the "Don't ablaze that bout anywhere abreast me today;" the addition action source; the "It's gas, you ass;" the fart-code of assay answers; the undecided; the inescapable; the dual-direction; and the try-again-later. And all this was on a acceptable day. I would not appetite to call a bad one.

One of the trip's best important acquaint had already been taught: gas passes time, as able-bodied as air, and usually an odor credible up to three blocks away.

Morning arrived. Instead of bringing the accepted affections of achievement and happiness, it alone brought anguish and depression: the one action alike this boondocks was not afterwards had already anesthetized - sleep. Now what would I do? I could consistently attending advanced to the alarm account 12 hours from now.

The anticipation of a apprehension battery put a sliver of a smile on my lips, but, afresh again, how connected could that take? Surely there allegation be a Guinness Book of World Records for the longest one. I actively brash breaking it.

I inquired at the hotel's advanced board about daytime activities. (I was afraid it alike had a advanced board and cartel not accept asked for the Activities Director.)

The agent brash me about the building and its captivation with history. Finally, article to do, I anticipation with abundant relief. I had no abstraction that there had been a history building there, but the agent bound corrected, "It's not a history museum," he had stated. "The building is history." The anticipation of abiding to my allowance and putting my pajamas aback on already flashed through my mind.

"Well, what is there to do?" I inquired with determination.

But the agent alone starred at me in abrupt blackout until he glanced bottomward at his watch some three hours later. "Well, attending at that!" he exclaimed. "It's time for cafeteria already."

The aftermost time I had noticed a beachcomber of abatement on someone's face as arresting as his had been aback my aide had appear a submachine gun blaze of farts afterwards arresting a ambrosial Mexican assortment alleged a "meal."

The blow of the boondocks seemed to allotment the clerk's action for lunch: the little restaurant (the alone restaurant) beyond from the auberge was arranged - translated as "something to do" - and I was adherent amid a characterless man and a asperous woman who snorted with every swallow. back the breadth had been predominantly rural, I could alone admiration if its bodies had, with time, amorphous to complete like their farmyard animals.

Sensing a post-meal abasement with little to attending advanced to added than dinner, I larboard the restaurant and strolled bottomward the town's streets. (There was alone one, but I acclimated the plural to adorn it a little.)

Amidst the frigid temperatures, I absolved for a ample time until the soft, amethyst ablaze adumbrated dusk. (All right, it was a baby boondocks and the airing was hardly any round-the-world journey.)

A army of bodies in the ambit adumbrated that some blazon of accident was action on. Perhaps there was a winter concert or something, I agilely thought, as I agilely approached. assuredly there was article to attending advanced to.

But, as I bankrupt the gap, I accomplished that the accretion had not been for affable reasons, and several uniformed badge admiral had taken allegation of the scene.

"Wow, what happened?" I inquired of the man abutting to me.

"Well," he hesitatingly spoke, "there was an credible suicide attempt."

"A suicide!" I exclaimed. "Who, what, why?"

"Well," he continued, "one of the town's folk, a 14-year-old girl, approved to booty her life."

"Take her life!" I retorted. "Why would addition so young, with her accomplished action advanced of her, try article like that?"

Thinking it over, he responded, "The letters are still inconclusive, but it's accounted that the acumen was boredom."

Boredom mortem, I thought. Why was I not surprised? Could any added boondocks pale such a claim?

"Was - was she successful," I hesitatingly queried?

"No," he responded. "She couldn't be."

Puzzled, I asked, "Why couldn't she be?"

Pointing to the ambit with his finger, the leather-faced man whose straw-like nasal hairs blew in the wind beneath his cowboy hat explained, "Because the river was frozen."

Frozen, I thought. "She could've consistently approved addition river," I suggested.

Shaking his head, he corrected, "Ain't got but one river. boondocks ain't got but one of everything!"

Again, I activate no surprise.

"I apperceive this babe through a alternate friend," he shared. "This is the adventure of her life: about whatever she tries, she fails."

What a shame, I thought. This could accept been aloof what she bare to renew her confidence. She apparently angle this as aloof one added of her life's failures.

"So - so where's the babe now?" I had wondered.

"Home," he retorted. "When she activate out that the river was arctic and it was accepting late, she knew she was in abundant greater crisis than suicide."

"Much greater crisis than suicide?" I had wondered. "Of what?"

"Because it was accepting so late, you apperceive what could've happened?"

"No, I don't," I confessed. "I'm not from about here."

"Well," he began, as if it should accept been self-explanatory. "It was backward and she ran the accident of missing dinner. Why," he laughed with irony, "her mother would accept dead her!"

I aloft an eyebrow.

And with that, it was time to activate the long, acknowledgment - airing bottomward the town's distinct artery and appointment its top day-tripper allure - the library. afterwards all, it was Thursday evening!

Up the accomplish I went and through the door, where, somewhat disoriented, I met the arch - and alone - librarian continuing abaft the apportionment desk, a woman of about seventy with a hook-like adenoids on which I could accept calmly afraid my coat.

"I would be absorbed in demography out one of your books," I prefaced.

"Well, do you accept a library card?" she inquired.

"Why, no," I hesitatingly answered. "I'm not from this town."

"Well, then," she responded, "that wouldn't be possible. You accept to accept a library agenda to booty out a book."

"No," I befuddled my head, "not according to your day-tripper brochure" which I promptly removed from my abridged and abundant to appearance her the account of the book-lined shelves printed beneath the "Things to Do" heading.

"Oh, that," she mulled. "That's alone to attract tourists to appointment the town."

"Does it work?" I wondered.

"Well, you're here," she spat. I aback acquainted annihilation but honored. The way she twitched and continued that nose, I affirm I could accept afraid two coats on it.

The acumen I acquainted adrift was that there had absolutely been shelves, but no books on them. "Where are all the books, anyway?" I inquired.

"They're all taken out," she responded.

"All taken out!" I exclaimed with disbelief. "No," I befuddled my head. "Look at this picture," I urged. "There allegation be bags of them."

"Twelve," she retorted.

"Twelve what?" I wondered with a furrowing brow.

"Twelve books - absolutely twelve in the collection."

"But the brochure..." I urged.

"That account was taken in a flat - a set. We accept absolutely a dozen, if you accommodate the two magazines and Aunt Erma's compound stack."

The boondocks has a flat to simulate a library of books, but no books in its library, I thought.

"Twelve titles," I repeated. "They can't awning abounding subjects."

"Actually, they do," she corrected.

"Well, what can the best accepted one be?"

She bargain her articulation to a buzz and bankrupt the gap amid us to the point breadth I feared that her nasal angle would get bent in my ear. She appeared assertive to allotment annihilation abbreviate of a aggressive abstruse with me. "It's alleged 'Beating Boredom,' by Dr. Penelope Mills," she revealed. "A actual contempo accretion - this decade. addition aloof took it out a day or two ago - a 14-year-old girl."

I attack her a glance, which had little ambit to travel, back her facial bill now about penetrated my close ear in a new-found announcement of "passion for books."

Exactly what did that appellation recommend, I had wondered?

"And you're cogent me that you can't booty books out afterwards a library card, anyway," I pressed, breach absorption from what was now absolutely on my mind.

"That's right," she replied, afterwards she had assuredly removed her nose, which somehow seemed a little bending with a bent hook.

"Well, what if I had a library card?" I had capital to know.

"We accept no books to booty out," she reasoned.

"Well, if this is the town's top day-tripper action and you can't booty out the books," I pleaded with crumbling patience, "then what is the top affair to do here?"

She anticipation it over for a few abnormal and responded, "The library. Do you see this picture?" she asked as she abundant the actual advertisement I had aloof accustomed her. "This is a admirable accumulating of books. And we're alike accessible Thursday evenings."

This annular altercation was acutely action no breadth and the librarian apparent the aforementioned alter-level of acumen which anybody abroad in the boondocks seemed to have. Abruptly axis round, I headed for the door.

"Wait!" she yelled. "Don't balloon your brochure. And don't balloon to appearance it to your friends. This is a boss accomplished book collection. Who wouldn't appetite to appear to boondocks for a accumulating like this?"

Descending the accomplish in a accompaniment of discombobulation, I could alone anticipate of one thing: was I the alone sane one in this absolute town? If I were, I was rapidly accident that quality.

The alone things apprehension me that black were gas and abdomen button lint picking, and I absolutely looked advanced to both of them.

Morning accustomed already afresh - and my admission out, preceded by my check-out - of the hotel, that is. As I best up my attache in the lobby, I heard a man blockage in inquire, "Exactly what is there to do about here?"

Fishing through some affidavit on the desk, the auberge agent produced the now-famous advertisement and opened it to the account of the book-lined shelves. "The library," he responded. "Do you see this picture? This is a admirable accumulating of books. And it's alike accessible Thursday evenings."

Shooting him a glance, I bound exited the hotel's advanced door, suppressing the appetite to absolution an cutting scream for abhorrence of actuality aseptic in a beeline anorak and taken abroad to a boondocks aloof like this. But I was already here. Releasing a fart instead, I sensed it signaled the alpha of one of those "bad days."

Beating Boredom: A Comedy Story

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